Tears and Heartbreak

Is it really possible to say no without hurting the other person?

I broke someone’s heart on the first day of 2019. That is a statement that I’m sure few people can say or at least I hope it is. This was also the same day that I quit my job but that is a story for another day.

He’d taken me to a park. It had trees growing all round it with beautiful pink flowers which fell on the grass making some kind of magical pink and green carpet. I remember commenting on how beautiful the flowers were, but I can’t remember what he said. His mind was so far at the time but so was mine even though I tried to hide it with mindless chatter which was pretty obvious because I hate pink. We settled under one of the trees facing each other, all the while laughing and talking about work, the New Year and the plans we were making.

Predictably, we talked about everything other than the reason why we were here, instead of being somewhere else celebrating the new-year. I personally hate small talk, but on this day I welcomed it, talking on and on praying that he would not express what I could clearly see in his eyes. No such luck there. Now I know you are thinking that he proposed, but he didn’t. Thank goodness! We were not there yet. We were work friends but somewhere along the way we had stopped being just friends.

He wanted more, he said all the while looking at me straight in the eye, something he never did. I had my answer ready. I already had it the moment he had asked me to meet him. I just didn’t have a less heartbreaking version, and trust me I had searched for one. I had even Googled it which is not surprising because I rely on the internet for everything.

For a moment I considered saying yes. After all why not? He was nice, sweet and unbelievably caring. He could be funny if he wanted, plus he’d said he loved me and I believed him. He was one of the few people I had ever believed when they said those words. It wouldn’t have been hard to say yes because if I’m being honest, I was the one who had started the flirting. So complete what you start right?

Not exactly, I knew deep in my heart that I didn’t have the time or emotional energy to get into a relationship with anyone. I was not exactly in a good place, mentally or emotionally. I had just quit my job for heaven sake! For a minute, I toyed with idea of leading him on. I could tell him to give me more time to think about it and I would take my sweet time doing it. As you can tell, all this was coming from a place of selfishness.

 I did not want to lose him because that was exactly what would happen after I said no. I was sad and lonely at the time and I didn’t want to lose the only person who thought I was the “best”. However, I remembered that it was a new year and that was not the kind of person I wanted to be. So I said no. I said it in so many words that I can’t recall but I remember it was awful. I don’t think I have the words to describe what I saw in his eyes. It was too much so I looked away, choosing to stare at the people walking past us as we sat there in silence.

When he spoke, he said all the right things that I wanted to hear and I was so relieved until I looked at him. Heart break isn’t close to describing what I saw in those teary, red rimmed eyes. In that moment I felt like the worst person in the world.

 Here I sat, clear eyed with no tears in my eyes after what I had said. A person closed off and shy as he was, had just admitted his feelings, and how much he wanted me and I had replied with a, “No sir I can’t.”  “I’m too self possessed and therefore I don’t have the space or time for you.”

 That was not the case nor was it what I had said but my conscience or whatever her name is (yes it is a she) was being a bitch.

I had to stop myself from taking it all back more than once on the trip back home. The silence was uncomfortable and I just wanted to make things okay. I wanted him to look at me the way he always did but I didn’t say a word. It was difficult to talk to a person who couldn’t even look at you.

So back to where I started. Is it possible to say no without hurting the other person? The answer is obviously no. I don’t know why I thought it was possible. Evidently, I needed this to happen so that I could learn that; it is going to hurt even when it is for the best. It is going to hurt for both of you, but I think that is the way it is meant to be. After all, how else would you know that you actually cared?
M.